Monsters

So, here I am, about to have another potentially late night and I found a post that I had been working on a little while ago... so here it is...

Thoughts from a late night..

I was lying in bed, unable to sleep when these thoughts started flowing.  I'm not sure if I can recreate them, but I think they were worth it for me to get down onto paper...or text...

When a person feels hurt by something, she will take automatic steps, sometimes acting against her own desires despite herself, to protect her heart.  (And when I say "acting against her own desires despite herself"... do you ever the that feeling that you're setting yourself up to something that could end poorly if you keep on allowing yourself to go down that path of spiraling emotion?  That's what I'm talking about.  It's not like anyone really ever wants to go down that path but one automatically puts up defenses... and a potential spiral begins...)  So anyway.  Once this new protection has been made, if not realized immediately and taken down (this, I suppose I should clarify, is speaking of a person hurt by someone close: a parent, a friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend), it can cause a whole slew of possibilities... And yes, unfortunately I think I might be speaking from experience... One tries to reason with oneself, make oneself act in a certain way (Well, if she's going to be like that or if he's going to be like that, I'm just going to do it this way and I'll [and here's where it gets dangerous] see how they react or if they'll even notice!)

See, I think it's important to realize here that once you start forcing yourself to do something just to get a reaction (desired or undesired) from someone else, you have instantly, the very moment you decide to force yourself to think a certain way, created a negative emotion.  A very negative emotion which can easily turn into a very negative monster.

You may think he's cute, and he might have good intentions... but he's gosh darn scary.

Yeah. Not good.  When this starts to happen, nothing except your desired outcome will satisfy you and even if it happens the way you want it to (which more than likely it won't) it won't be good enough for you because you'll find something else that is wrong.  This leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to suffering...

Sorry, couldn't resist, but I do love Yoda!

Actually, I wanted to say, anger leads to hate, which leads to resentment.  And let me tell you.  Of all the negative emotions out there... I think resentment might just be the coldest one.  It's horrifying.  It's worse than the negative monster.

It not only eats at you... it eats at everyone else too.  It's horrifying because instead of releasing a negative monster, you've become a resentment monster.  And that's really no good...

Change

So I was watching a Taiwanese drama yesterday (yes, yes. A Taiwanese idol drama) and the lead actress had decided (oops spoiler alert? but then, most of you won't know which drama I'm talking about...) to cut her hair.  Her really long, beautiful hair, in an instant, gone.  Her reason?  Change.  She wanted to change.  And what better way to start than with a new hairstyle?  Of course, as in all Taiwanese dramas, drama ensues.  However, what stuck me as very interesting was that change's beginning, at least for her, began with a change in appearance.
I'm not quite sure what I'm hitting on, but it seems to be a common theme.  Change in appearance begins or marks the beginning of change in a person.  Maybe most of you have already come to this realization, but it's something that has really resonated with me in these past few days.  There's just something very liberating I guess about expressing, using your appearance, your desire for something else, something exciting, something new.  Two winters ago, I needed a change.. a really big change and to start everything, I did it.  I cut my hair.  Just like this girl in the drama.  And you know what? It was so freeing; I felt like I could fly, like a weight had been taken from my body (I guess it actually had...)

OMGosh did I really cut off THAT much hair???

Anyway, I think a lot of change is about to happen in my life.  Not sure how, but I guess that's the process of being a piece of jade undergoing refining..

(PS: Sorry if this post seems a bit redundant... I'm sure I'm unconsciously dancing around a very clear idea, but I just can't put my finger on it...)

Makes me kinda sad....

Plums?

Well, the past few days have put me in a glum mood... Hmm.. looking at the word "glum" reminds me of "plum" and plum is actually a pretty good color representation of my mood.  It can be sad or happy depending on how you look at the color and I think, depending on the time of day, I can be sad or happy. 



Happy Colored Plums! =D




Sad Colored Plums =(

 In any case, this glum..plum? mood has made me decide to make a list of all the things I'm aiming to do this summer.  I've got either a little less than a month of it left.. or.. two more months! (There seems to be a lot of "or's" in my life currently...)  So the first thing on my list is to become more fluent in Chinese.  Well, that actually may be more of a goal for the entire year... I want to get into a Chinese Pedagogy program and for that, I'll need some pretty awesome Chinese skills, of which I'm currently a bit lacking.  Granted my major was Chinese but, when not used every day, the fluency I had is slowly (rather quickly) slipping away. 

The second thing on my list is to learn the ukulele!  I have recently aquired a beautiful Luna ukulele,



Isn't it beautiful?

 and while I've never played before, it's the perfect four-stringed instrument for my smaller stature!  And the strings aren't as rough on my fingers...  I'm not much of a popular culture music person so I'm not quite sure what to learn... suggestions would be nice?  I hope to get super good by the end of the summer so I can take it around and not have to pull out a laptop to be able to play a song...

Third!  I NEED to get into shape.  I'm by no means a large person, but as most people who know me know, I can barely run a mile without feeling the need to puke up any water I have previously taken in... (sorry for the slightly disturbing picture but I felt it was needed to emphasize just how much I need to get into shape).  So! I'm going to come up with a regimen before the end of the week hopefully?  To get started?  Immediately? Or maybe I'll start next week... or the week after...Gah! I need motivation!

Fourth... I have a videogame. Yes! A videogame! Gaming is actually something I really rather enjoy however, I've often not had time to devote to them.. I love RPG's and I have also aquired, along with the ukulele, a GameCube! Without a TV... So hopefully this issue will be remedied in the next few days.  The game is called Tales of Symphonia, and so far, it's.. awesome. Just.. So awesome.  But then, I only got past the intro before I lost access to a TV...

Fifth on my list.. well I can't currently remember.  But I suppose this is a pretty good list to start with.  I actually only have evenings for free time to do these things.. OH! Fencing! That was my fifth =)  I've got a certain someone who rather likes fencing and has invited me several times to learn but I was always studying! So! This summer, my goal is to get good enough at fencing to be a challenge or even beat said person in a match =)

There actually are many more things I hope to accomplish this summer and in the coming year, but I'm afraid those aren't going to make it on this list...as I can't remember all of them at the moment... 

Til next time!

Introduck... well I was trying to come up with a title and then I realized adding the "k" would make "duck"

Hiii!

My name is Stephanie and I'm starting this blog without a real direction to go in.  That may or may not change in the future... who knows?  Direction or no direction... either might be good for me.  I'm not really writing for any particular purpose other than to express my thoughts into a semi-cohesive...text? manner? frame? (I might be showing how my slight difficulty in expressing my thoughts works... I just can't think of the right word...)

I've recently realized that I actually picture emotions and feelings before I have words for them.  It's really interesting.  I don't think it's uncommon for people to express emotions as colors and perhaps one day, I should read about that.  (If I do and anyone wants to read what I've found out, I'll make sure to post the link here.)

So perhaps you're wondering why the title of this.. text manner frame?... is "Rough Jade"?  Well, I actually attempted this blog a while back and at that time, I had been doing a lot of growing.  Apparently, jade undergoes a lot of refinement before becoming the beautiful piece of stone that it is and like a piece of unfinished jade, I was and still am undergoing much refinement.  Thus perhaps this can be a recording of how I grow into who I am, and one day, I'll look back and see how far I've come.

I may not be the most eloquent of writers... or speakers... but I know that I do have eloquent, colorful emotions and thoughts that, if I'm able to capture them, may speak something to you and to my future self.

Or, I may not have those things at all and this will just be fun to try =)


~Stephanie